Recent events have triggered some soul searching. Do I live a dual existence? Am I overly optimistic? What do I want in life?
At work, I feel like I project an image of a very intense person. I can't be certain, but I think that most of the times, I'm focussed and serious about my work. My job nature requires a lot of focussed thought and the need to think deeply about the various technical details of the task. Being a one man show makes it even more important that I don't overlook details. The ever nearing deadlines and seemingly undiminishable pile of work doesn't help to reduce the stress levels. It's hard to be carefree, to dream about life or even to laze around with these things in my mind. The work ME is striving to organise, manage and ensure a quality job for myself and the team. During sync ups with my manager, it looks like my own expectations tallies with his on what I need to do; and my personal goals tend to be on the aggresive side in terms of schedule.
With that said, sometimes I feel like I'm a totally different person once I get away from work, from my department collegues and NOT dwell on the specifics of my work. Hahaha, the past few chances I had to just chat about life and inane stuff is like a fresh breath of air. I become someone who's more silly and carefree; I revert back to the old dreamer that has countless flights of fancies and desires. I just can't seem to stop talk about anything and everything given a chance. It's like I have so much pent-up emotions and ideas and wants (needs?) that's it's practically bursting for release.
I'm wondering which is the real me? Am I wearing a mask at work? I truly like and am adequately skilled at my work. Am I passionate about my job? I am unsure. Is work consuming too much of my time? For the moment yes. In the overall view of life, in the long term? Again, I'm unsure but there's a chance of that happening if I let it. I still believe that I will stand my ground and dedicate my time to myself and my family once I meet my special someone.
Someone close to me once mentioned that I'm the most optimistic person she has ever met. Question is, is my optimism grounded in reality? Am I expecting too much from people and from myself? Do I set myself up for the inevitable disappointments? Somehow, I can't accept that my current existence is all there is to be, to have. I cannot agree that people are just what they superficially show to the world. I cannot accept that I am the best that I am now. I truly believe that people, given a chance, can be truly delightful, altrustic creatures and that their actions are not only driven by selfish needs. I cannot, will not settle for what is available now. There's got to be more to life.
Am I asking the right questions? Am I just asking too many questions? Where is this headed? I have no clue....
-Confused, pensive & uncertain.
At work, I feel like I project an image of a very intense person. I can't be certain, but I think that most of the times, I'm focussed and serious about my work. My job nature requires a lot of focussed thought and the need to think deeply about the various technical details of the task. Being a one man show makes it even more important that I don't overlook details. The ever nearing deadlines and seemingly undiminishable pile of work doesn't help to reduce the stress levels. It's hard to be carefree, to dream about life or even to laze around with these things in my mind. The work ME is striving to organise, manage and ensure a quality job for myself and the team. During sync ups with my manager, it looks like my own expectations tallies with his on what I need to do; and my personal goals tend to be on the aggresive side in terms of schedule.
With that said, sometimes I feel like I'm a totally different person once I get away from work, from my department collegues and NOT dwell on the specifics of my work. Hahaha, the past few chances I had to just chat about life and inane stuff is like a fresh breath of air. I become someone who's more silly and carefree; I revert back to the old dreamer that has countless flights of fancies and desires. I just can't seem to stop talk about anything and everything given a chance. It's like I have so much pent-up emotions and ideas and wants (needs?) that's it's practically bursting for release.
I'm wondering which is the real me? Am I wearing a mask at work? I truly like and am adequately skilled at my work. Am I passionate about my job? I am unsure. Is work consuming too much of my time? For the moment yes. In the overall view of life, in the long term? Again, I'm unsure but there's a chance of that happening if I let it. I still believe that I will stand my ground and dedicate my time to myself and my family once I meet my special someone.
Someone close to me once mentioned that I'm the most optimistic person she has ever met. Question is, is my optimism grounded in reality? Am I expecting too much from people and from myself? Do I set myself up for the inevitable disappointments? Somehow, I can't accept that my current existence is all there is to be, to have. I cannot agree that people are just what they superficially show to the world. I cannot accept that I am the best that I am now. I truly believe that people, given a chance, can be truly delightful, altrustic creatures and that their actions are not only driven by selfish needs. I cannot, will not settle for what is available now. There's got to be more to life.
Am I asking the right questions? Am I just asking too many questions? Where is this headed? I have no clue....
-Confused, pensive & uncertain.
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