Internalisation

I've started reading Thomas Friedman's The World is Flat a few weeks ago and it's been a bane of sleep for me. I normally read before I hit the sack and the book just keeps on provoking thoughts within me. That should explain why I'm writing this post at 1:42am on a working weekday....

The book's pretty good in conveying it's theme across. It's not as captivating as Malcolm Gladwell's books (The Tipping Point and Blink) in the sense that's it not a page turner. Having said that, it's still a good read with loads of interesting facts though it's presented in a more dry/scientific manner. As a fast summary, the book talks about globalisation (i.e. the flattening of the world) due to the convergence of a few factors, one of which is the widespread connectivity due to the Internet. It introduces how it came about, the factors that drove it and I'm now a third into the book where it focuses on how Americans are in danger of being left behind due to globalisation.

This post is not a book review but rather how it has affected me. So the preceding section is not wholly thorough/accurate and does a poor job conveying it's message :)

The deliberate way in which it's written is actually producing an interesting effect. I normally read books (which was mostly easily consumed fiction from mostly the fantasy genre) at a faster pace as I can't wait to find out how the story progresses. This time round, I read less in terms of volume/pages at a given time and but it seems to a more reflective process.

I find that the ideas resonate in my mind and I internalise the concepts that are just presented. This is not something that I'm actively doing and it need not be relevant to the main concept of a given chapter. For instance, I just read about America's scientific & engineering education crisis and how other nations (viz. India & China) might overtake USA in the near future in this area but I end up thinking about how we Asians (alright, specifically me) might need to dedicate more time to learning the various intricacies of my job in order to innovate more. It also provoke thoughts about where I would like to work if I have a chance to relocate overseas. I'm admittedly a lazy bugger and it seems that Western Europe has a nice working culture that fits me perfectly. Grin. They're more conscious about a balanced life but this in a way is affecting their competitive edge long term.

Also thought about whether I want to raise my children (if/when I ever have any :P) in the states if ever I do get a chance to work there permanently. True, the quality of life there is fantastic compared to currently exists back home but it will be a challenge to ensure they have a bright future as education will have to be stressed on. I wouldn't want my kids to be part of the MTV generation with all it's implications (short attention span, doesn't read for pleasure, bad math/science proficiency, etc). Sounds like I'm discussing the common ills of most societies and I'm sure the same problem exists and will get worse in Malaysia as well if things do not change.

Funny how the mind works. You read something and it goes off on tangents. I'm wide awake and it's gonna be a long day for me tomorrow.....

Reflections

Recent events have triggered some soul searching. Do I live a dual existence? Am I overly optimistic? What do I want in life?

At work, I feel like I project an image of a very intense person. I can't be certain, but I think that most of the times, I'm focussed and serious about my work. My job nature requires a lot of focussed thought and the need to think deeply about the various technical details of the task. Being a one man show makes it even more important that I don't overlook details. The ever nearing deadlines and seemingly undiminishable pile of work doesn't help to reduce the stress levels. It's hard to be carefree, to dream about life or even to laze around with these things in my mind. The work ME is striving to organise, manage and ensure a quality job for myself and the team. During sync ups with my manager, it looks like my own expectations tallies with his on what I need to do; and my personal goals tend to be on the aggresive side in terms of schedule.

With that said, sometimes I feel like I'm a totally different person once I get away from work, from my department collegues and NOT dwell on the specifics of my work. Hahaha, the past few chances I had to just chat about life and inane stuff is like a fresh breath of air. I become someone who's more silly and carefree; I revert back to the old dreamer that has countless flights of fancies and desires. I just can't seem to stop talk about anything and everything given a chance. It's like I have so much pent-up emotions and ideas and wants (needs?) that's it's practically bursting for release.

I'm wondering which is the real me? Am I wearing a mask at work? I truly like and am adequately skilled at my work. Am I passionate about my job? I am unsure. Is work consuming too much of my time? For the moment yes. In the overall view of life, in the long term? Again, I'm unsure but there's a chance of that happening if I let it. I still believe that I will stand my ground and dedicate my time to myself and my family once I meet my special someone.

Someone close to me once mentioned that I'm the most optimistic person she has ever met. Question is, is my optimism grounded in reality? Am I expecting too much from people and from myself? Do I set myself up for the inevitable disappointments? Somehow, I can't accept that my current existence is all there is to be, to have. I cannot agree that people are just what they superficially show to the world. I cannot accept that I am the best that I am now. I truly believe that people, given a chance, can be truly delightful, altrustic creatures and that their actions are not only driven by selfish needs. I cannot, will not settle for what is available now. There's got to be more to life.

Am I asking the right questions? Am I just asking too many questions? Where is this headed? I have no clue....

-Confused, pensive & uncertain.